My thoughts on blogging

cw: self hate, self harm, suicide

I read a lot, and I have a lot of thoughts, but when I try to tell most people in my life about them, I feel like that one dude in airplane where I'll be talking and the other person will be in the process ef hanging themselves or pouring gasoline all over them selves and has a flaming match and I just don't notice because I'm too hyperfixated and don't pick up on the social cue that they aren't enjoying what I'm talking about. I guess this is probably one of the reasons I have like 3 good friends, 7 other friends, and then a good amount of people I can work with but as soon as it gets to socializing I just get to the point of being so awkward.

I freaking hate when my friends are on their periods. As a friend, I feel the need to support my friends through their troubles, but as a trans woman, I have little idea of their pain, and so I just kind of stand their with wide eyes staring at my feet with my hands behind my back or in front of me. I just get so overwhelmed then break from not knowing what to do because I can't say "I know how you feel" because I don't. I WISH I COULD! I HATE MY BODY! But sadly I don't.. I wish I could be the person of my dreams. Heck, if I could be one of my slightly disproportionate drawings, I would be. I would live as an anime girl in my television if I could but I can't. And when I stand there I just can't move.. It's like a fuse blew in my brain. One that controls my body. It takes someone calling to me or for a general body of people I'm a part of to get me to snap out of it. And it reminds me how terrible I feel about my body.

Thankfully, I haven't cut myself with any sharps in a year or so, and I'm getting better control of my thoughts, but I haven't yet been able to afford HRT, so I have a lot of self conscious thoughts that probably not very healthy. I often have thoughts of suicide, which most I am able to easily counter by thinking of how many other lives I would mess up by killing myself, which is all that matters. As Spock says in Star Trek, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." I see this, and base my decisions on this every day. I mean, why else would I be an open source developer? I know others reading this probably won't gain anything from this, and that it's using unnecessary resources that other could be using for their blogs, but I do believe that the point of blogging is to let people decompress and share their ideas.

I mean, blogs can be useful to share how people have come about creating something, but I know a lot of people blog to let things out. Jenny Lawson has some amazing quotes, and I love what she writes, and two quotes that I love and will work very well are the following, "That’s the good thing about hanging with bloggers. Most of them are kind of fucked up in the same way you are." and "Women scare enough, but bloggers can be even more frightening to deal with. Most bloggers are emotionally unstable and are often awkward in social situations, which is why so many of us turned to blogging in the first place. Also, they are always looking for something to write about, so if you fuck something up it will be blogged, Facebooked, and retweeted until your death." These just resenote so much with me. I feel messed up myself, not because of others(mostly, but that's a story for a different day), but because of the way I feel. I am so self conscious of how I look and act, and I get so concerned after I do just about anything that I did it wrong, or if someone doesn't respond to me when I find the courage to say hi, even though they are probably just not very aware.

I am also very aware of what is happening around me, and when people call to me, especially if I am tired or they aren't one of my close friends, I often just ignore people, dreading social interaction. I have boundaries which I don't share with many people because I am not good at judging how their response will be to it, so I think something bad will happen(probably because there is someone whom I had come out to as trans and they still call me by my dead name and old pronouns. Thankfully, they somewhat respect it in public), and I just kind of feel like a cat with it's tail straight up and all of my hair poking out, except I am condensing my body and sort of pulling away...

Anyhow, I kind of got off topic(as I often do hehehe >w< ); Being trans causes a lot of stress for me, so I often go to my computers, as they don't judge me(and here I am writing, rather than going and being social with the three other people I am with lol). Stress also builds up from other parts of my life, and like I was getting to earlier, writing a blog is a good way to get these feelings off of my chest.

In addition to all of that, I also have so many Ideas from my brain just going wild and thinking about whatever it wants, and as hinted at earlier(with joking that people essentially kill themselves and I won't notice while I'm talking to them(and to be clear; I AM JOKING)), most people find little interest in what I'm talking about, which is unfortunate because they could be listening, learning, and giving me feedback on my ideas, but instead they decide to take a knife stab themselves and twist it to kill themselves(yes, this is another reference to Airplane). So starting this blog could let people read what they want of my thoughts, and let all of the thoughts and ideas I have released from me, increasing my focus capacity.

Thanks for reading :3

~ Katya